I felt a euphoric peacefulness where no thoughts could penetrate, no turmoil could reach me. I drifted into a place where feelings no longer existed.
Through this ecstasy I recall barely standing on my two feet while my parents moved me down the stairs. I remember the sweet liquorice taste of activated charcoal; the most exquisite taste ever!
I came to my senses in a hospital bed, tucked in tight with my family (mom, dad and brother) standing around my bed. My first reaction was to ask my dad to say a prayer; I somehow found comfort in hearing his familiar voice, praying…
I was 18 years old, the deepest darkest and loneliest time in my life. Inside my world was crashing into a gazillion pieces.
Around me it was life as usual…I was yet to face my biggest and darkest demon. An experience that kept me filled with intense abhorrence, rage and the despicable truths of human nature…
All I wanted to do was sleep. Not die, just sleep forever! I gradually dosed myself with my mom’s medication – she had a huge variety and enough stock to last her 3 months. Each time I woke up from my euphoria, I made my way to her medicine cabinet and took a handful of pills, climbed back into bed and closed my eyes. Peace…
After my stint in hospital, realizing that my “just wanting to sleep, forever” was in fact another way of saying, “I’d rather die than live a life where no one seemed to care”. Invisible me. The haunting shadow of a childhood lost.
The fact that I was still alive, to me, was a sign that I needed to be here. Surely if it wasn’t I would have died a peaceful euphoric death, and would be none the wiser of how many hearts would have been broken and shattered; leaving my family to pick up the pieces…
The first thing I did when I arrived home from the hospital was to write this note to myself and paste it on my wall “To live is to love, to love is to give, to give is to care, and to care is to love”
Somehow it reminded me that loving myself IS enough, and that caring for others IS to live, and to truly live I HAD to love myself and not allow the world and, sometimes, its harsh realities, to shatter my spirit and self worth.
A few weeks later the summons came and I faced my childhood demon head-on in court, with the support of my mom and dad at the age of 18. It took more than twelve months and MANY court appearances to set me free and allow me to live a life worth loving…
And years later, after my son was born, I experienced the power of forgiveness and was once again touched by euphoric peacefulness… Letting go of the suppressed hate and anger.
You see, my self-worth and self-esteem was slowly stripped away by a sexual predator who molested me during primary school years.
The molestation stopped when I entered high school, but the emotional abuse continued throughout my teen years. Haunting my subconscious and manipulating me to believe that I was worthless and revolting. My feelings of guilt and shame was drowned out at weekend raves and trance parties, beers and vodka.
My parents referred to me as a weekend alcoholic. My dad thought I was a slut! My behaviour did not fit with their picture perfect God-fearing family. Their church, their everything.
Eventually I could no longer take the deafening silence. I addressed a letter to them, informing them that I’m no slut, but that an adult, very close to our family, stripped me of my childhood.
I was 18 years old when my mother went with me to the police station where I opened a criminal case. The verdict, almost two years later; Guilty. Five year suspended sentence for indecent assault.
The outcome was of no consequence to me, what mattered was that this action enabled me to TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE!
No longer would I live a life in the shadows of my anger, my hatred. No longer would I look in the mirror and pray that my skinny bones, straightened hair and picture perfect make-up would give me an ounce of fake self-worth that I craved for so many years. No longer would I depend on fake hugs dished out for at trance parties to feel like I belonged. No longer would I need vodka shots to dull the ugliness inside. No longer would I be a prisoner of this repulsive creature created by this person. For I am triumphant, I am courageous and I AM BEAUTIFUL, worthy of love and born to shine!
“Live your best life, even in your weakest moments” – Chevone Petersen (19 years old at the time).
Contact Childline on 08000 55 555, “every child’s story deserves a happy ending”.
I also dedicate this post to a fellow Blogger whose post, Revelations at Dawn, inspired me to publish this which I have written a long time ago…Thank you Dave, here is to your third anniversary of sobriety!