Not A Dad-Dad

I’ve not blogged much about parenting lately.  So much has happened though. Amazing moments, challenging – just knock me out right now moments, and then those fuzzy moments where I’m overcome with intense love and emotion for my son!

I’ve not written about any of these moments, because I want to just embrace each one, hold on to it until I am ready to share it with you. These moments aren’t world changing events.  When I write about it you’ll probably wonder what the hell all the fuss was about, but hey, this is me, my world and honestly, when it comes to my son, I still can’t believe how damn lucky I am to be his mother. Really, I can’t!

There is however, one moment that I want to share with you today:

A few weeks ago we were in the local supermarket when we bumped into a friend of Kai’s father. We started chatting, as we always do when we see each other at the shops. We usually talk about everything, but the “elephant in the room”.

We spoke about the surf report, my learn to surf moments and how much Kai has grown! Anyway, after our quick chat, we left the store and I told Kai that that was a friend of his “dad’s”. “Really?!”  The look in his eyes reflected a feeling of incredulity, a look that said “I’ve just met my dad’s friend!” but the look also had a hint of guilt.  Guilt for being excited for having met a friend of his father’s.

It’s a strange feeling when you see the inner-turmoil in a child’s eyes.  The not knowing whether it is okay to be excited about someone, or something, that also leaves you hollow on the inside. That inner-turmoil that a child will eventually figure out on their own.

My son and I have a very special relationship, and I sensed that the time was right for me to share something with him that I’ve been wanting to share with him for a long time now.  “Kai, is it okay if I refer to your dad by his name from now on? I just don’t feel comfortable saying ‘your dad’ when we both know he’s not really a dad like in a dad-dad kind of way”

His reply made me trust my gut even more. “That’s fine with me mom” and then he winked and said, “Ja” then a few seconds of silence… “Pa is like a dad to me mom”

Then we continued walking down the street, hand-in-hand, content with life and the evolution of our mom-son relationship.

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