Lately I’ve sought your guidance and wisdom dad, but I’ve struggled to find you. I’m having to practice so much restraint in my reactions to the constant onslaught from others. Having to defend my character, my integrity, my ability and my neurodiversity in the face of ignorance and arrogance.
There’s been days where I’ve felt absolutely defeated and alone. Dad, on these days I’ve longed for the night – crawling into my dark world flickering with stars of creative delight. It is here where I sometimes find you, silent and knowing as I hold on and wait for this overwhelming energy of others to fade. Like a thousand thorns they penetrate my soul and leave me bleeding out into the night.
Ridding myself of the negativity of others, clinging to me like skin on bone. Taking so much from me, and the only way to restore myself is by counteracting this negativity with positive actions towards others.
Balancing my inner-self, as I hold on to my confidence and self-worth whilst some try and break me down to a rag to be discarded on the side of the road. I am floored by the reality that I live in a world where some thrive on a oppressive hatefulness cloaked in glowing smiles and softly spoken voices.
I’ve soaked my pillow finding comfort in the knowledge that I am a scorching fire that should not be fucked with as my tears feed the intensity of my flames!
You’d be pleased to know that I’ve been approved for a NSFAS bursary and received a microgrant from the Autistic People of Colour Fund! Life indeed is filled with silver linings.
My father was diagnosed, unexpectedly, with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on 16th May 2017. He died 12 days later, there was no battle, only dignified acceptance.
12 Days Later . . . Pancreatic Cancer
Finding My Voice, A Father’s Love
2 thoughts on “Dad, I’ve Sought Your Guidance . . .”
The silver lining – I hope – will help you past the nastiness. (Some people are not worth their air and space)
I also read a Canadian blog. She has a grand-daughter with autism and life can get very complicated, people out there don’t understand, or it seems, even try to!
Thank you Diana, it’s been a challenging time and agree about the air space.