I want to start off with some elegant wisdom to share with you, but then it hits me. Fuck it! My short-term memory is messed up due to an almost full-on autistic burnout and shutdown due to stressors and anxiety resulting in complete dysregulation which could no longer be masked. This saw me being booked off for three weeks to regulate my inner state of being and self-control. Yet I still ended up working 50% of the time.
Masking and autistic burn-out was preluded by the end of an decade’s hiatus of “no verbal swearing”. Yes, you read that right. You see, when Kai was born I literally, overnight, stopped verbalising the expletives that lodged in my mind. And it’s made a radical come back! No more shooting arrows, now it is fucking and shitting arrows – even though shooting arrows is still my favourite go to.
This year has been like taking a dive in the Atlantic Ocean, a shock to the system. In many ways pleasant, with the odd nasty bite that leaves a lingering burn on the skin.
But, let me not get side-tracked. There’s been many remarkable moments in 2018.
- I decided to show the system the middle-finger and removed my son from mainstream school. This has been a challenge, but oh so damn good for our well-being! Our word for 2018, afterall, is self-care.
- We adopted a fireball of love, Vincent our kitten. He’s been all kinds of good for Kai – this has been the greatest area of growth when I think of homeschooling.
- I took a bullet to the brain (figuratively of course!) and persevered – got my driver’s license. My oh my oh my . . . The experience on the road can with ease give justice to a blog dedicated to only this. Driving, car maintenance and repairs – so much gratitude for our mechanic. Especially when considering that my son has epic meltdowns the minute something goes wrong with the car. The intensity can be unbearable when I myself are dealing with the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy due to not being a “car person”.
- I survived a full year of living with my mother – the struggle is beyond real, sometimes I think it fictious.
- The patience, understanding and trust that comes with friendship – the kind that speaks to the heart and caresses the soul. This I hold most dear.
I also had another incident with the keyboard ninja. It remained a one-sided interaction. The art of my restraint, thankfully.
Both my novels are gathering dust as I struggle to bring myself to edit. I passed all 6 subjects towards my BA, and now await the outcome of my NSFAS application for student funding.
My relationship with my son continues to bloom as I watch him become this independent person. His unique character sets my heart a flutter (in the best of ways and the worst of ways). Together we embrace our neurodiversity and have become more accepting of our true selves.
I continue to shoot the breeze with my psychologist every once in a while, and this too has helped tremendously in dealing with the shitload of social norms and cues that makes no sense and the contradicting nature of some humans and the unpredictability thereof.
Yes, 2018 – perhaps the tip of the iceberg, hence I’m donning a wetsuit and preparing myself for some deep diving in 2019! This is a good thing, a very good thing. Trust me.